My Long, Dark Tunnel of Anxiety and Depression (part 2 – The Resources)

After sharing my personal experience in « My Long Dark Tunnel of Anxiety and Depression (Part 1 – The Crisis)« , I want to share here the resources that have benefited me in my journey.

But first, I cannot ignore the wave, nay, the tsunami of testimonies that I received during the last week! Several people told me they cried when reading my testimony; I received a lot of messages of love – especially from military men who would have traditionally shied away from discussing « feelings ». While I only saw weakness and cowardice in my behaviour, people replied with the words courage, fortitude, inspiration and love! These messages of hope help me rebuild my self-confidence and self-esteem. If the number of reactions was impressive on social networks, this was only a tiny part of the messages sent privately; I have received testimonies by the hundreds. Letters from family, friends, loved ones, but also messages from complete strangers who confided in me without any shame to tell me that they, or members of their entourage, were experiencing mental health problems similar to mine. Monday night, the night of publication, I spent 6 hours online to respond personally to each and every message; I had to give up in the wee hours of the morning. I have to make the most of my bed now that I’ve stopped taking sleeping pills for good!

In recent days, I have opened up not only through the blog but with colleagues about my problems. I am lucky to be surrounded by wonderful people. While I feared their judgment, all emphasized my courage. The courage to share my vulnerabilities, as well as the courage to constantly expose myself when I only wanted to disappear. Some people have told me that they too have experienced mental health problems. Mental disorders are very present in our society, even if we don’t realize it, because the subject is so taboo.

Some people wonder why I shared my experience. First, admitting a problem and sharing your painful experience with others is part of acceptance. Two, I want to show others that we can get through it. Three, I want to contribute, just a little, to breaking the taboo of mental health. Four, writing is central to my therapy; It helps me a lot to put down on paper what’s on my mind. Ultimately, if I manage to touch only ONE person, my goal will have been achieved.

Statistically speaking, I should achieve this goal; if 1000 people read this post, 250 have suffered, are suffering, or will suffer from depression in their lifetime. That’s a higher percentage than cancer, diabetes, or heart disease. 110 readers suffer from mood disorders or anxiety disorders, and 120 readers will have suicidal thoughts in their lives. Among young Quebecers, the rates are even higher; more than 50% of them suffer from anxiety or depression, a phenomenon that is not unrelated to the abuse of screens and the virtual life on social networks. And yet, young people are often better able to cope because, unlike older generations, they do not hesitate to talk about their anxiety and their feelings with those close to them.

The resources

If you feel like skipping the part on resources, please go to the bottom of the article to see the post scriptum, it’s worth it!

Here are my resources and my lessons learned, as we say in military jargon:

Talk about your problems. Suffering in silence is the best way to fall into addiction, or worse yet, end up in the morgue. You can talk to a loved one you trust, or to support groups such as CAP Santé Mentale and Relief. In Quebec, you can call line 811, option 2, or 1-866-277-3553 (suicide prevention). There is also an online self-management tool: getting better my way. La Vigile is a non-profit organization whose mission is to help women and men wearing the uniform or any other adult person with problems. The Vigil also exists in Ontario. In Ontario you can call the 211. In the Ottawa region you can call the crisis line 1-866-966-0991.

This state does not define you. Some people become their diagnosis. You can recover from a mental health problem, it’s not a life sentence. I had to work hard to fight the idea that I was just a worrier, a weakling. It was like my personality had evaporated. Now I know that I am a complex being, endowed with emotions, qualities and defects, I have social roles, interests, dreams, fears, etc. My anxiety is only a small part of who I am.

Seek qualified help. It’s not easy to get help from a psychologist through the public network. Your mental health is important, as much or more than your cholesterol level or your blood pressure. Employee assistance programs often provide quick (and sometimes free) first sessions with a professional. If this doesn’t suit you, don’t hesitate to turn to the private sector if you can afford it.

Psychiatrist or psychologist? I will share with you an analogy that I’ve heard often: when you live with anxiety, there is fire inside you. The psychiatrist, with his medication, will smolder the fire, while the psychotherapist (or psychologist) will give you the ingredients to stop blowing on the fire and finally put it out.

How do you know if the psychologist is doing a good job? I often hear that “the psychologist listens to me”. For God’s sake, it’s the least he/she can do for the price he is paid, he wouldn’t be a psychologist without it! Does she use science, does she tell you about the approach she recommends, the therapy she intends to adopt, does she give you tools, does she suggest exercises, does she recommend readings based on science? These are signs, in my opinion, that you have a good therapist. I went through 5 psychologists/psychotherapists and 2 psychiatrists.

What type of therapy? The most commonly recommended therapy is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT. It dates from the 1950s and 1960s. If your therapist doesn’t talk to you about it, I recommend you consider another therapist. I started with CBT, but my progress stagnated. This is where I discovered ACT therapy, for Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. I could talk about it for hours, but instead I suggest you go to Russ Harris’ website, www.thehappinesstrap.com and pick up one of his two books, The Happiness Trap, or The Confidence Gap. Russ is the apostle of the therapy developed in 1982 by Steven Hayes. His books will benefit you, even if you don’t suffer from anxiety.

Which therapist? I discovered the YouTube channel of psychologist Didier Have (in French only), a Frenchman living in Montreal, thanks to my partner’s extensive research. I have taken both of his training courses on anxiety and panic attacks, and have communicated with him on numerous occasions. He is an anxiety specialist and his list of patients is full. Follow his online programs and, if he takes you under his wing, don’t let him go!

Exposure, or avoiding avoidance. When you avoid a distressing situation, you send a signal to your emotional brain; you are telling it, essentially: « you are right to be alert, because the situation could put me in real danger ». Avoidance must be avoided at all costs. You must gradually expose yourself to stressful situations in order to desensitize yourself. And remember the equation: Exposure + Acceptance = Healing.

Do your reading. Stock up on books that offer science-based therapies. The more different books and articles you consult, the better you will be able to extract major trends, concepts and approaches. I mentioned the books by Russ Harris and Steven Hayes above. The stress specialist in Quebec is Sonia Lupien and I recommend her book For the Love of Stress. She explains how stress can be beneficial, but you need to know how to control it to prevent it from harming yourself.

Do the exercises. You can read books about it, you can watch videos about it, but without exercises, you won’t see improvement. Just like in sport, or in any other area of life. While it is recommended to do at least 3 x 20 minutes of physical exercise per week to be in good physical health, it would be wise to adopt a similar approach for mental health.

Write. For a long time, I was recommended to put my ideas down on paper but I had absolutely no desire to do so. And, at the end of the day, it’s writing that saves me. I’m writing my first novel (this will be the subject of another post!) and the characters in the novel have replaced the dark thoughts in my head. Write a novel, a short story, write about your problems, about your moods, about your dog, your cat, about the weather, about anything, but write. Writing requires you to take an observer’s approach to your feelings and emotions; you will thus be more willing to externalize your moods and take a step back from them. By the way, there is absolutely no need to share your writing with others like I do. Personally, it helps me enormously.

Breathing and meditation. Breathing techniques and meditation haven’t been the most helpful for me. I won’t tell you not to practice these activities regularly, because they are excellent for prevention. However, I personally find that these two activities do not address the cause of the problem, but rather the symptoms. Meditation – like breathing – is not a panacea, just as medication is not a panacea.

Self-compassion, gratitude, indulgence. Your brain will tell you that you are weak, incapable. Would you speak this way to a friend who is suffering? Never. We are our own worst enemy. Practice self-compassion. The undisputed expert on self-compassion is Dr. Kristin Neff.

Resilience. My favorite word. The one who motivated me during the last few months. It is defined by an individual’s ability to develop and live satisfactorily despite traumatic circumstances. In short, it is the ability to bounce back after a shock. Another word for your research.

Mindfulness. Another important word to Google. Mindfulness teaches us to focus on the present moment.

What should you do when a friend confides his problems to you? I really want to address this crucial question. It’s a safe bet that no friend will come and tell you outright that they are experiencing severe chronic anxiety or that they are experiencing major depression. Instead, he/she will say something like: « Things aren’t great for me these days. » It’s a cry for help. He/she just showed you the tip of the iceberg, and, as we know, the submerged part is much bigger! You must, firstly, pay attention to the indicators. Secondly, it may very well be that you do not understand their distress, their problem, because you have not experienced it yourself, or because you have 0 emotional quotient, but that is another story… Your initial response is crucial. Having experienced this situation a few times, I recommend the following sentence:

« I’m surprised to hear that (you most likely are, it’s sincere), what you’re telling me touches me (if it doesn’t really touch you, say instead I’m sorry to hear that, it will sound more sincere…), I can’t understand the magnitude of your problem (because you haven’t experienced it), but is there anything I can do TO HELP?« 

There you have it, everything is said, in four very simple sentences. Note the importance of the choice of words here, we aim for sincerity, but also delicacy. The person in front of you has put himself/herself in a vulnerable situation, this is not the time to deal them the final blow by replying « I don’t understand why you are complaining, you have good living conditions? » Trust me, it won’t help.

What should you do if you think a loved one is thinking about committing suicide? Don’t hesitate to ask if the person is thinking about suicide. The myth still persists that if you ask the question, it will trigger ideas in the person. There is nothing better than asking the question directly, for example: « You tell me that things are not going well at all at the moment, does your situation lead to suicidal thoughts? » You should not be afraid of asking this question because the real distress is not easy to perceive. Obviously if the person answers yes and you do not feel equipped to intervene, it is important to encourage the suicidal person to go to the appropriate resources.

If you know of other resources or tips, do not hesitate to share them on this blog or on my Facebook page.

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In closing, I have written a part 3 (am I cured?) and maybe even a part 4 to this chain of articles, which I intend to publish in the coming weeks. And don’t forget, SHARING is CARING!

P.S.: Finally, I must share this video (in French) of Major Willem Dallaire, the son of Canadian war hero General Roméo Dallaire (Rwanda, 1994). I have known Will for over 22 years; we don’t see each other often. Will has a wife and four children at home and is currently deployed to Haiti. His title is very long: Will is Analyst and Advisor, Gender-based – Woman Peace and Security – Child Soldier Focal point for the Advisor International Security Assistance Coordination Group (ISACG) for Haïti. With a title like that, there’s no doubt he’s very busy! But Will took the time to stop what he was doing, read my article, take a video of himself to show his appreciation, and send it to me via Messenger. I know I would never have bothered to do all this for a distant friend. But Will did it and it means a lot to me. He gave me a lesson in humanity and empathy.